The Narcissist has a fine-tuned antenna to go to the core of your being and find that wounded place where you most want to be loved. He or she sucks you in through initial praise and admiration, only to strike you down when you are most vulnerable. This mechanism keeps you hooked because you are desperate to win their approval again, so that you can feel worthy of love. The vampiric tendency is to suck your very life force. He or she is wounded too and needs you to feed off of you for their very survival.
The Narcissist can spot your core wound a mile away and is drawn to your loving and giving nature. You are the water they are so thirsty for and being wanted like that can initially be very validating and feel great to the kind-hearted Empath. You may also be drawn to the element of rescuing them. You want to be seen as you truly are, something that may have been denied to you as you were growing up, and they are very good at exploiting those vulnerabilities.
You are both wounded children inside, but their nature is the taker and yours is the giver. Because the Narcissist deep down does not love themselves, they need you to mirror love and admiration to them. Their core is empty, so the need is endless. They are the predator and you and your light are the prey. As long as you are trying to show them how good and loving you really are, as long as they keeps stirring your core wound, they have you hooked.
You have to wake up and realize that they will never change in this dynamic. Although, you may try to run away, and succeed over and over again, you get sucked back in by the initial lovingness and the desire to help and rescue them. You need to heal those deep wounds inside so that you are no longer a magnet for their energy, but this will never happen in the context of the relationship with the Narcissist. Take responsibility for yourself and get out. It may take a long time to truly heal, it took me 20 years, but you will be on your way.
If you have been through a relationship with a Narcissist you may feel like you have been through the wringer. You may wonder why you allowed this to happen and berate yourself for it. This is what I did for so long. I was so angry with myself for putting me in this situation. Please realize that without healing your Little Girl or Boy inside, you didn’t stand a chance. You were an open target and your sweetness, your healing energy, your very essence was honey to the beast. He or she knew exactly how to be lovely and charming. Your childhood wounds were a perfect match for theirs, so the drama was activated and the intensity of the pain was mistaken for love.
You thought you could heal him or her, and you wanted so desperately to be seen and loved yourself, why did they keep putting you down despite all of your giving? The subtle or not so subtle manipulation of the Narcissist are their greatest tools. They know exactly how to hurt in the place you most want to be loved. They know to tell you what a bad person you are in the place you most want to be recognized, or that goes to the center of what is most important to you.
It is important to realize that the reason for staying in or returning to the relationship with the Narcissist, is not some masochistic desire to experience pain. In fact it is quite the opposite. It is the desire to get it right this time. The desire for the original core wound to be healed. The desire for the childhood story to turn out differently this time. Realizing this is a big step in the healing process and in forgiving yourself. You were not crazy; you were actually attempting to do very needed healing, it was just not the correct approach.
Love is not meant to be constantly painful. Don’t mistake this intensity for meaning this is the most special or important love. The tears and break ups and making up, the anger, pain and trying to “fix it,” doesn’t mean it is your true love, soul mate, or twin flame. You shouldn’t have to convince anyone that you are good enough to be loved.
It was a long journey for me to heal, but it did lead initially to the first phases of “awakening,” something other Empaths have shared as well. I started therapy and I was told about a metaphysical Christian church, the Unity Church. There I learned the art of creating my reality by changing my thinking, a skill that I have perfected over the years. Part of changing our thinking is changing how we talk to ourselves, here is a little article you may find helpful on how to change your self-talk: Self Talk: a simple-to-use tool to end depression. I also learned how powerful belief systems are, as it was a specific belief system, a totally false one, that contributed to me being so easily sucked into the Narcissist’s dark world. The work that made the biggest difference was healing my Little Girl (Inner Self) through Amate Growth Work (AGW). AGW is what finally made the intrusive memories go away. I followed this up with Emotional Freedom Technique with a highly skilled practitioner for my final breakthrough. The journey was a long one but it lead to higher realms of self-discovery.
If you need help healing from a relationship with a Narcissist, please reach out to me, I have been there myself: firstname.lastname@example.org or 303-242-7824. If you would like to sign up for my newsletter, you can do so by visiting my website: amateinstituteboulder.com